#25 Playing God

My best friend once said to me, “You need to stop playing God. If you’re happy, be happy. There will be a time for sadness, and when that time comes; you can be sad all you want. Stop being sad when you’re happy, and stop trying to be happy when you’re sad. Be happy when you’re happy, be sad when you’re sad”

It has been my self-defense mechanism for so long, to be cautious of happiness, to overthink everything when I’m happy beyond my equilibrium, to sabotage the feeling… of just being happy. It’s quite a complicated mechanism I know, but I also know that many of you did that. Am I right?

We can’t bear to be happy for a long time because life has shaped us so. We can’t be too happy when payday comes, because soon all the money we earned from working our asses off for a whole month will be gone to pay our rent, food, clothes, car installment, insurance, and all the things we need to survive in life. We can’t be too happy when our birthday comes, because that only means we have another year less to live in this temporary world. We can’t be too happy when we had our favorite food because then when we check our weight on a scale, the number will increase by a few pounds. We can’t be too happy when we’re on a holiday because it will end, sooner or later and we’ll go back to everyday mundane life of work and responsibilities. We can’t be too happy with our lover because of the silly little fear that they might break the heart you’ve given them voluntarily, they might break every promise you have believed all this time, they might leave you for someone better, and they might change.

We can’t even be too happy with ourselves because this automatic system that gets us to compare ourselves with another person with a better everything than us.

So what do we do?

We toned our happiness down.

We toned it down to the level we can handle, disguised in such things like modesty. We stopped splurging our paycheck for things we loved and start saving for things we need to survive (like a house, probably). We stopped partying every year on our birthday and just blow a candle on a simple chocolate cake with a few of our closest ones. We stopped eating our favorite food frequently and start eating green things we don’t like more often, for the sake of health and whatnot. We stopped enjoying holidays. And we stopped giving our hearts to people that might break them; instead we build walls and shut them out.

We have been playing God all along by sabotaging our own emotion, by commanding ourselves to feel things that are the opposite of what we should feel, by trying to control things that shouldn’t be controlled. It seems like a normal things to do because we have been doing it almost all of our life, unconsciously.

We are so used to toning our happiness down; we forgot how it feels like to be really truly happy.

So, how do I propose a solution to this?

It’s easy.

Stop playing God and feel what you need to feel. Be happy when you’re happy, and be sad when you’re sad. Stop making yourself sad when you’re happy and stop trying to be happy when you’re sad. Don’t control things you can’t control, just hold on to those you can. Embrace your emotion. Stay true to yourself.

—F.S.

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