#25 Playing God

My best friend once said to me, “You need to stop playing God. If you’re happy, be happy. There will be a time for sadness, and when that time comes; you can be sad all you want. Stop being sad when you’re happy, and stop trying to be happy when you’re sad. Be happy when you’re happy, be sad when you’re sad”

It has been my self-defense mechanism for so long, to be cautious of happiness, to overthink everything when I’m happy beyond my equilibrium, to sabotage the feeling… of just being happy. It’s quite a complicated mechanism I know, but I also know that many of you did that. Am I right?

We can’t bear to be happy for a long time because life has shaped us so. We can’t be too happy when payday comes, because soon all the money we earned from working our asses off for a whole month will be gone to pay our rent, food, clothes, car installment, insurance, and all the things we need to survive in life. We can’t be too happy when our birthday comes, because that only means we have another year less to live in this temporary world. We can’t be too happy when we had our favorite food because then when we check our weight on a scale, the number will increase by a few pounds. We can’t be too happy when we’re on a holiday because it will end, sooner or later and we’ll go back to everyday mundane life of work and responsibilities. We can’t be too happy with our lover because of the silly little fear that they might break the heart you’ve given them voluntarily, they might break every promise you have believed all this time, they might leave you for someone better, and they might change.

We can’t even be too happy with ourselves because this automatic system that gets us to compare ourselves with another person with a better everything than us.

So what do we do?

We toned our happiness down.

We toned it down to the level we can handle, disguised in such things like modesty. We stopped splurging our paycheck for things we loved and start saving for things we need to survive (like a house, probably). We stopped partying every year on our birthday and just blow a candle on a simple chocolate cake with a few of our closest ones. We stopped eating our favorite food frequently and start eating green things we don’t like more often, for the sake of health and whatnot. We stopped enjoying holidays. And we stopped giving our hearts to people that might break them; instead we build walls and shut them out.

We have been playing God all along by sabotaging our own emotion, by commanding ourselves to feel things that are the opposite of what we should feel, by trying to control things that shouldn’t be controlled. It seems like a normal things to do because we have been doing it almost all of our life, unconsciously.

We are so used to toning our happiness down; we forgot how it feels like to be really truly happy.

So, how do I propose a solution to this?

It’s easy.

Stop playing God and feel what you need to feel. Be happy when you’re happy, and be sad when you’re sad. Stop making yourself sad when you’re happy and stop trying to be happy when you’re sad. Don’t control things you can’t control, just hold on to those you can. Embrace your emotion. Stay true to yourself.

—F.S.

#23 Tentang Cinta

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I once read a saying: “Love is not the one you text at 3 in the morning when you’re alone and you miss them, but it’s the one you call at 2 in the afternoon when you’re busy; because they constantly show up on your mind”. Gak persis begitu lah, but it’s the same thing along the way. At first, reaksi saya atas kata-kata tersebut adalah “Yeah yeah whatever” kemudian kembali men-scroll timeline twitter dimana saya menemukan kata-kata tersebut. Tapi semakin kesini, saya semakin menemukan bahwa kata-kata diatas ada benarnya juga. Here’s why:

Selama 4 bulan terakhir ini saya menjalani hari-hari sebagai seorang intern di sebuah perusahaan konstruksi terkemuka di Indonesia (I just quoted the company’s tagline itself, yeah you caught me). Disitu saya berada di departemen SDM, atau yang lebih dikenal orang-orang dengan sebutan HRD—ingat sitkom tentang kisah office boy dan tim HRD yang dulu pernah tayang di salahsatu TV swasta nasional kita kan? Nah itu, hanya saja ini HRD beneran bukan HRD yang kerjaannya tampak sangat srimulat di sitkom tersebut.

Ruangan tempat departemen SDM berada ini jadi satu dengan beberapa departemen lainnya, yaitu departemen Pemasaran, Investasi, Sistem dan Resiko, serta QHSE atau K3. Seperti kantor pada umumnya, sebaran umur pegawai disitu rata-rata diatas 30 tahun dengan sex ratio yang lebih berat kearah laki-laki. Saya mulai kedengaran kayak halaman pendahuluan di skripsi ya? Hahaha.

Ya oke, jadi sebenarnya saya mau cerita bagaimana para pegawai di ruangan tempat saya magang ini kebanyakan sudah menikah dan berkeluarga. Ini tentu bukan hal yang mengejutkan karena secara umur mereka memang sudah pantas untuk itu. Yang membuat ini menarik adalah bagaimana, di tempat yang tampak paling biasa sekalipun, saya tetap bisa menemukan bukti bahwa cinta itu ada

Rihanna said “We found love in a hopeless place”, well I said no Ri, we found love in every place even in those ones you often overlooked. Contohnya? Kantor ini.

Orang mungkin akan mengira, “Wah di kantornya ada yang cinlok ya?” hmm… not necessarily. Mungkin kasus itu ada tapi saya gak asesmen lebih lanjut, yang saya tertarik adalah bagaimana para pegawai di kantor saya menunjukkan kepada saya (not explicitly of course) bahwa cinta itu selalu ada dan sebenarnya merupakan hal yang sederhana.

Love is not always about grand gestures—chocolates, big buckets of flowers, love letters… no. Love is actually the simplest things around.

Seperti seorang ibu yang rutin setiap siang menelpon ke rumah menanyakan “Adek udah pulang sekolah? Sudah makan? Yaudah, nanti PR-nya dikerjain ya? Habis itu kamu bobo. Iya nanti mama gak pulang malem kok”

Seperti saat seorang suami memamerkan bekal yang disiapkan istrinya tadi pagi kepada rekan-rekan kerjanya dan mengatakan bahwa bekal itu adalah hal yang paling ia rindukan ketika ia harus dinas keluar kota.

Seperti seorang teman yang mengomeli teman lainnya, “Lo tuh ya, rapihan dikit kek kalo pake baju. Diomelin kan sama bos lo, besok sabtu gue temenin cari kemeja deh. Nggak pake tapi tapi”

Seperti raut khawatir seorang staff ketika rekan kerjanya datang ke kantor dengan mata sembap dan wajah sendu (“Mbak, kamu tuh kalo kenapa-kenapa cerita ya sama aku? Biasanya kamu ceria gini lho kok tiba-tiba hari ini dateng wajahnya sendu banget”)

Seperti seorang manager yang baru saja menjadi kakek saat mendapat telfon dari cucunya dan dengan bangganya memamerkan kepada segenap rekan kerja kalau cucunya ini sudah bisa membaca doa makan dan doa tidur.

Dan seperti juga seorang anak magang yang terlihat senyum-senyum sendiri di pojok mushalla dengan ponsel menempel erat di telinga; melepas rindu dengan seseorang yang berada di kota yang jaraknya ratusan kilometer dari tempatnya berada.

Cinta itu gak ribet kok, kalau menurut saya. If anything, cinta itu sederhana. Se-sederhana seorang ayah yang membuka-buka gallery foto di ponselnya saat ia tengah penat dengan pekerjaan hanya untuk melihat senyum anaknya yang baru berumur 3 tahun, se-sederhana seorang ibu yang terpaksa izin pulang setelah makan siang karena anaknya jatuh sakit setelah mengikuti persami di sekolahnya, se-sederhana bekal yang dimakan dengan lahap oleh seorang suami karena ia rindu akan masakan istrinya setelah seminggu penuh dinas keluar kota, se-sederhana rekan kerja yang menyediakan bahunya sebagai tempat rekannya menangis dan mencurahkan isi hatinya after office hours, se-sederhana senyum bangga seorang kakek saat cucunya berhasil melafalkan doa makan dan doa tidur dengan lancar…

Se-sederhana little gestures lainnya yang seringkali dianggap tidak penting oleh orang lain.

So if you ask me, what kind of love do I aspire to fall in?

It’s this kind of love.

#22 Our Week

Mondays are for hurried goodbyes and I miss you’s text at 2pm

Tuesdays are for helping you with your tie and sudden calls at 9 cause you just feel like it

Wednesdays are for an impulsive movie date after office hours and large-sized caramel popcorn that I love

Thursdays are for midnight junk food takeaway and messy breakfast

Fridays are for picking me up and dinner at our favorite street-food stall

Saturdays are for bookstore date and coffee shop

And Sundays, Sundays are for barefoot morning in the kitchen and feeling okay with you

 

—How our week should’ve went

#21 How to Fall in Love With A Writer

  1. You can’t

 

You can’t just fall in love with a writer,

For you will find yourself turning into letters, crafted into words, crafted into sentence,

Crafted into poems she holds dear to her heart

 

A writer can’t just fall in love with you,

For she will not fall but instead stays on the ground. With you as the sun she rotates around

With you as the center of her words-filled blank spaces,

Of her joy and all her aches

Of her everything and nothing, all at once.

—F.S

#20 To the Boy with Band-aids on His Hand

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What hurts you?

Silly boy with a laugh as warm as a cup of coffee in the morning

and eyes just as black

 

Did you fall while you’re playing football?

Again?

Or is it another scar you wouldn’t let anyone know where it comes from—but yourself and the walls of your home?

 

(home, what does that even mean?)

 

Silly boy with band-aids on his hand,

What is it? Tell me, what hurts you?

 

And let me,

Let me kiss every scratch

Every cuts

Every wound

Every scars

 

Every pain,

away

 

From your hands

From your knuckles

From your eyes

 

Silly boy with band-aids on his hand,

What hurts you?

 

Let me know

 

I might not heal,

But I promise

I won’t do the same

 

—F. S